Life just isn't fair sometimes...

Infertility - primarily refers to the biological inability of a person to contribute to conception.

Even the definition is cruel.  But to be going through this is one of the cruelest things I've ever had to deal with.  Robbie and I have been trying on and off for 3 years to have a child.  We got really serious about it last year.  We've done Clomid, didn't work.  So, we were referred to an infertility specialist.  We've both had all our internal plumbing checked, and we're both fine.  We were put into a catergory called "unexplained infertility" which is basically saying, "Hey, everything is supposed to work, but it ain't working right."  Fun, huh?

We've done three IUI procedures, and none of them have worked.  They recommend 4, but we've decided that we're taking a break. This is ALL that I seem to have been focused on for the past year.  What does my body feel like today, did I take all the meds, does that look like one line or two?  And then, when I start, it's HORRIBLE!  At first I didn't think it'd hit me so hard, but on that day every month, after wishing, hoping, praying, wanting, the utter disappointment is almost too much to handle.  I cry at the drop of a hat, all day, every day.

And this stuff ain't cheap!  It's not covered by insurance AT ALL, and there is no "Bill me later" option.  You pay the minute you're done.  So, that's been taxing on us as well...

It almost at times feels like I'm a failure as a female and a wife.  I mean, all the anatomy that I have is designed for me to conceive and carry a child, that's down to the bare basics.  But I can't seem to.  It's not fair really.  I know SO many people who don't deserve the kids they have (some with several different baby daddies), and all I want is one.

And, selfishly I don't want to adopt.  I want to be able to have a child with my husband, and, if I can't, I don't want one.  That sounds horrible, but that's the way I feel.

So, we're stepping back.  Giving us a little "us" time and then we'll regroup.  I hope that's the right thing to do, but I honestly don't know how many more of "those" days every month I can stand...

Enough of my whining for one day.  Just had to get that all out...And, if you're reading, don't say anything to Robbie about it.  He hates when I put our personal stuff out there, but sometimes I just need to get it all out.

30-Day Photo Challenge, Day 8

 A picture that makes you laugh:

Me and the hubby on the waterslide at Zeke's birthday party last year.  Don't know how they talked me into going down it on his back, not once, but 3 times.  So much fun that I'm planning on having the waterslide for my birthday next month!

I've gained a new favorite song

I'm a huge Grey's Anaatomy fan, but was not at all a fan of the Glee-like style they tried on last week's episode.  I did gain a new favorite song off that episode however...

It's my new happy song. :)

Visit with an old friend

Several weekends ago, I took another trip to Shreveport to see my friend Margaret, and everyone was healthy and hospital-free this time!  We had a blast!  Everytime I visit I wish I lived closer, but that's just not gonna happen.  She has the sweetest, cutest kids EVER!  Little Lexi (who is 2) has grown quite attached to me the last few times I've visited, which is cool 'cause Lexi doesn't like anybody! 

This is Lexi :)

Don't let her looks fool ya - she's one tough little girl!

This is her older brother Will.  He's just precious and all boy!

After hanging out with the kids Friday night and Saturday afternoon, it was girl time Saturday night!  Margaret's husband John watched all three kids (though I didn't get any pics of baby Jackson this time, dangit!) and me, Margaret, her mom (aka Nay Nay), and her sister Lauren headed out to see Gary Allan at the Horseshoe Casino.  I love Gary Allan!  We had the best time I've had in a long time.  Lots of stories that night, but all I'll say is that it's always best to get security on your side so you're not the ones getting kicked out. :)

Nothing like true friends who stand the test of time and distance.  Nothing I wouldn't do for any of these 3 ladies.  Can't wait to get back soon!

30-Day Photo Challenge, Day 7

Ok, so I know I've been slacking.  It's been crazy busy in my world lately, I'll try to do better.  And yes, I know I still haven't done day 5, but I'll get to it eventually. :)

Day 7 - A picture of your most treasured material item

Without a doubt, it'd have to be this, my freakin' phone.  My whole life is in it.  It's sad really how addicted to it I am.  I love that my work calender syncs to it.  Sadly, if an event isn't in my phone, I'll forget.  And forget remembering phone numbers.  There are very few that I actually remember anymore.  Pictures, music, documents.  It's like a portable computer in my purse.

But it's also my fun game center, as well as my niece's.  At 6-years old, she has her own game folder in my phone and can probably operate it better than most adults.

A Laugh for Monday

Everybody could use a laugh on Monday.  A friend of mine sent me this email this weekend, and I just had to share.  Enjoy!

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English , nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2 They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Today is the day

‎"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha


I subscribe to Quotes Daddy on Facebook, and there's a new, random quote in my newsfeed every morning.  This morning was the above quote, and I couldn't get it out of my head.  I reposted it as my status, and I've been thinking about it all day.  Because it's correct. 
 
Anger is defined as an emotion related to one's psychological interpretation of having been offended, wronged or denied and a tendency to undo that by retaliation.  What good does it do for people to remain angry and hold on to anger and hurt feelings?  The other person doesn't know exactly how you feel, and most of the time they don't even care.  So why let that anger eat at you?  I'm really bad about that.  I hold grudges entirely too long, years at at time.  And though I might eventually forgive, I never foget.  Ever.
 
So, I've decided that today is my day to begin to let things go.  No longer will I read her blog.  No longer will I listen to negativity from people who don't even know the situation & are just trying to stir up drama.  No longer will I take things I hear so personally.  No longer will I care.  No longer will I respond when I know people are just trying to push my buttons. 
 
Today is the day that I bury several relationships and let it all go.  And that feels simply awesome. :)