Why so negative???

Are people really so much more negative lately, or am I just finally realizing it? 

I'm in a mood lately - in a "I'm fed up with people" mood.  I just don't get people.  I don't get where all the negativity and discontent comes from.  Why do people post such negative things on Facebook and Twitter?  (No, I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of it, because I have).  Talk TO the people that you're upset with, not ABOUT them.  Why be passive-aggressive with your anger?  Is it for attention, does it really make you feel better?  Nope...you need to address those issues with the people who have wronged you.  Otherwise it's just gossip, and this town thrives on drama and gossip.

Far too often as adults we still react to adverse situations in our lives with very childish behaviors hurting our friends, family and reputation along the way. Why do we do this? We know better! We teach our children not to do or say the things that we ourselves continue to say and do, allowing us to become cynical, rude, critical, unforgiving, selfish and so on. As adults we're supposed to act, instead of react, to life's ups and downs. Supposedly using the "wisdom" that we've accumulated throughout our experiences of many years. Anyone can grow older. That doesn't take any ability at all. That happens naturally. But growing up…now that's a different story. Some of us never "mellow with age." Some of us go from bad to worse, and there's nothing worse than an "immature adult."

How do we let ourselves get to this point in the first place? What makes us become so unyielding, and narrow minded, way into our advanced years? What has prevented us from learning life's lessons which should have been learned years before?  Perhaps over the course of time we have become so focused on ourselves, and our wants and needs, that if every remark isn't geared towards our happiness, we get upset. We've become accustomed to overlooking our own faults, and seeing through magnified glasses at the faults of others. We've become convinced that we are the good guys, and that our ideas and ways of thinking are right. No questions asked.

After years of viewing life from our "me, me, me" perspective, other disturbing factors occur. We lose track of damage that we've inflicted on others, and blow out of proportion unintentional slights we feel we've received. Our viewpoint becomes greatly distorted. We lose our humility and acquire a one-track line of thinking.  "They're wrong! I'm right! Come around to my way of thinking and then everything will be fine. I didn't do anything to you! You did this to me!" Isolating long time treasured friends over bits and pieces of trivial, perceived, wounds of the heart. Holding on to personal slights and grudges like gold. Validated or not, they become necessary ingredients for the emotional recipes we cook up in our heads - stewing and stewing, at hotter and hotter temperatures, until our pot boils over and all spill out, burning everyone in its path.

Why do people dislike people that they don't even know?  Why do we go on people's reputations instead of trying to get to know people before forming opinions.  Sadly, I can name ten people easily who despise the fact that I even breathe.  Even sadder is that they don't know me.  Sure, they've seen me around, I'm sure my reputation precedes me (hell, this is Meridian, even grandma's have reputations here).  But what they don't know is that I'm not the whore, the 'homewrecker' that everyone thinks I am.  Yes, I'm a guys' girl - I'd rather be at the dirt track than shopping any day of the week.  Nope, I haven't worn makeup since around 9th grade, and have no plans to start.  And no, I'm not sleeping with your husband/boyfriend/baby daddy.  I actually had a guy friend of mine tell me that his ex (who's wanting to get back with him) told him that, if they were to ever work out, I'd have to 'cease to exist in his life.'  Really?!?!?!  This girl has seen me ONCE, for maybe five minutes, and I'm that threatening to her.  I'm amused.  Why does this town thrive on drama and negativity? I've never seen anything like it in my life. I could list story after story, but then you wouldn't know whether to believe me or think I was spreading the same kind of negative seed that I'm posting about.

I can be the best friend anyone has ever had, and I've got a few close friends that can attest to that.  I'm actually one of the most caring, protective, do anything to help you people in this world, honest.

One point to my rambling post is this.  Just because you've heard a million bad things about someone, get to know that person before forming your opinions and certainly before spreading the lies and gossip that you've heard.  I've become a negative person because of this town, because of my job.  And I'm not doing it anymore.  I'm tired of being negative, I'm tired of not being me.  I just wish everyone else felt the same way.  I'm removing negative people from my life, slowly, and with kid gloves.  I'm starting to learn that, if you surround yourself with positive people who lift you up, your mood and attitude will follow suit.  Everyone has a story to tell, everyone has a past.  But, don't judge people by their pasts, they don't live there anymore...

We as adults have lost our ability to reason with the heart instead of the head. We forget along the way, friends we've had for years wouldn't be there in the first place, if they didn't like us. We've learned to concentrate more on the negative than the positive - never stopping to consider that few people wake up and plan to go about their day hurting our feelings. It's seldom on anyone's "things-to-do-today" list. Yet, we let pride get in the way of reason. Our hearts become hardened to forgiveness. We think we've earned the right to be rude because of what we've been through in life. How can we learn to once again act like the adults that we are? We can start by remembering what we were taught as children in Sunday school - "turn the other cheek, forgive others, love unconditionally, and do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Oh, and 'IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING, AND DON'T POST IT ON FACEBOOK EITHER."  Relationships end, friendships fail, marriages end up in divorce.  That's life, it sucks but it happens.  What you don't realize is how many people read and take to heart what you post.  Many times there are children involved.  Yes, I understand the need to rally your firends around you when you're hurting.  But why not do that privately, via phone or text?  WHY does all your drama have to be posted online?  It doesn't make you look classy at all...quite the opposite actually.  Be the person that you'd want your kids/nieces/nephews/siblings to be.  Whether you realize it or not, someone somewhere uses you as their example, as their role model. Children should only be shown how to be better adults, from the best adults that we can be. Let's all try to remember the next time we feel a harsh word or an undeserved slight from someone, that we are setting examples for future generations by how we react. Let us remind ourselves to try to be the kind of seniors that we'd want our children to be: healthy, happy, peaceful adults - playful, but not childish - innocent, but not immature - helpful, but not hurtful, for the next generation truly starts with us.


 What kind of example will you set today?

Fake People

Hypocrite (n):
1. A person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

“Better to be known as a sinner than a hypocrite.” - Proverb

“The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that's also a hypocrite!” - Tennessee Williams

I'd rather be loved for what I am than for what I'm not.  Sure, acting a certain way will probably make more people like you, but they don't really  like you, they like the person they think you are.  So you lie, and you continue to act the way your new friend likes you to act.  But is it really worth it living a lie?

I've been dealing with a lot of fake people in my life, a lot of fake friendships, and I've started cutting the cord.  Shame on you who only call when you need something or need someone to talk to.  Shame on you who only wanna talk about you and your life all the time.  I don't need you, and I certainly don't want you. 

How to Lose Fake Friends:

1. Start saying "no." Fake people will lose their use for you if you stop paying their bills, watching their kids for free and running them around town.

2. Tell the truth. Fake people hate honesty. It's the lies that keep them feeling good about themselves and their lives. So share your true feelings about their actions and watch how they fade away.

3. Avoid the drama. Fake people enjoy others who get sucked into their drama. Cut conversations short that deal with your fake friend's usual complaints. You know, the ones they never plan to do anything about.

4. Focus your energies on your real friends. Fake people will hang around as long as you let them. So, don't. Cut back on their time and spend it with your real friends.

5. Build up your confidence. Fake people have a hard time attaching themselves to people who have good self-esteem. Why? Because people who feel good about themselves won't put up with them.


Walking away is so freeing at times...

Goodbye to my furbaby

Who knew that animals become such a part of our lives? 

December 6, 1997 I met my furbaby.  A friend bred her Dalmatian, and I got pick of the litter provided I help with all THIRTEEN puppies!  If you've never had to deal with 13 nursing puppies inside a single-wide trailer laundy room in December you're missing out! 

Paxton quickly became my child - I took him everywhere.







He's about 7 months in this picture. :)



Around Christmas 2011, curled up in my lap :)

 On March 16, 2012 I said goodbye to my first furbaby, my child, my protector, my best friend. It was time. He was old, he was going blind, and he was in the early stages of dementia. It got to the point where I was afraid of him, and that's when I knew that my friend was only there in body, his spirit was already gone.  I was blessed to be there when he took his first breath, and I was so glad to be able to be with him when he took his last.  (If you live in or near Lauderdale County, I HIGHLY recommend Tyson Pompelia at the Collinsville Vet Clinic.  He and his staff were SO amazing to me during all of this, and I will never use another vet as long as he's around!)    

The funny thing is that I never learned just how much I depended on him.  Robbie went on an overnight trip the week after I lost Paxton.  For the first time in 14 years, I was completely alone in my house.  It was the strangest feeling.  I wasn't exactly scared, but it was sorta uncomfortable just knowing that he wouldn't be there to bark to try to alert me/scare someone off/etc. should something happen. 

I know I'll have another dog - I love animals too much not to.  It'll be awhile though.  My heart just isn't ready to share that space just yet.

Mommy dearest...

So, I haven't posted in a really long time.  Oops, life kinda happens and apparently the blog suffers.  But, there's been a lot on my mind lately, so my blog might get updated more...maybe. This post isn't gonna be a happy one, and my thoughts will probably be all over the place.  BUT, it's my blog, started so I can vent so I'll post what I want. 

If you know me well, you'll know that I had a less than desirable childhood.  I haven't talked to my 'sperm donor' since I was about 12.  Don't know where he is, don't really care to.  My  mother, well, that's a whole other story, and the focus of this blog rant.  I don't know if she'll read this or not, nor do I care. It's more for me than for her anyway...She's been addicted to prescription drugs since I was about 13.  I raised her, and I raised my sisters.  I'm strong, opinionated, and a control freak because I had to be growing up. 

Dear 'mom',

It's really sad that not one happy childhood memory that I have involves either of my 'parents.'  Not one.  I've tried lately to think of one, any, but none come to mind.  My best childhood memories involve my sisters and/or my grandparents.  Not one involving you.  Wonder why that is?  Oh, wait, that's because you were always selfish and it was always about you, what you wanted, where Mr. Jimmy wanted to go, what he wanted to do.  Though, thank God he was around or we probably wouldn't have had money for food...

My summers were the best, at least part of them anyway.  The parts where we got to go to Grenada and I got to be a kid.  No, mamaw and papaw didn't have a lot of money, but we didn't need it.  We had friends, food, and love there.  We had a safe environment where we didn't worry about anything, nothing.  The only things we worried about was being home when it got dark or we'd be in trouble!  So, I guess something good did come from the man that you married and had kids with.  His parents are some of the best people I've ever known!

But let's focus on things that I've been remembering lately.

*I remember sitting at Red Hot watching the 'adults' at the round table trade pill bottles. 
*I remember your mom telling me that she knew what was going on, how she hated that we had to live like that, but that she was glad I was there because somebody had to be the adult, the strong one.  I WAS 14! 
*I remember you getting arrested, numerous times - forged prescriptions, forged checks.  Didn't matter, as long as you got what you wanted you were fine. 
*I remember getting off the bus wondering if the lights or water would be cut off today. 
*I remember my last shoulder surgery, when you took all my pain pills and I got grounded for not telling the doctor that I needed something stronger. 
*I remember spending Christmas Eve 1998 at your house with my sisters with NO heat, and you were high as a kite. 
*I remember the year you were so messed up that all you ate was sugar cookie dough, homemade though.  I couldn't make homemade sugar cookies now if my life depended on it I bet. 
*I remember your parents finally finding you and 'rescuing' you from an 80-something year old man's house, high, with bite marks all over your body as you had let him have his way with you for pills. 
*I remember learning to drive as we were 'doctor shopping' when you'd have 'migraines' and get your shots.  I was 14 when I remember that starting! 
*I remember feeling guilty for leaving for college at 18 because I didn't want Shannon and Jennifer to have to deal with all of that alone.  I still feel guilty for leaving them there. 
*I remember spending the night in jail for $2600 in bad checks that you had written on my account. 
*I remember like yesterday the shame and embarrassment I felt when my car got repo'd my first year of college.  You know, the years of my life that I worked through and paid for because you were too irresponsible to have a college fund or even plan for any of us?
*I remember Jennifer almost having her appendix removed for your attention-seeking and so you wouldn't have to go to work; you even told her how to walk into the ER so they'd believe her.  Uh, thanks to these things called x-rays, she's still walking around with her appendix at age 30.
*I remember Christmases were good.  You tried to buy our affection in one day to make up for the entire year.  While other kids got toys and clothes, we got stereos and tv's.  Funny thing about that though, I don't have many memories of a stereo or tv.  Those things don't really matter much in the end.  It took me a long time to realize that you were trying to buy our love to make up to us.  It doesn't work, FYI.

The worst thing that I recall was after one of the times you got arrested.  Jennifer was 18 and had had her tonsils taken out.  YOU told her they didn't give her anything for pain and to take liquid Tylenol.  Truth be told, they had prescribed her liquid Lortab which I found by YOUR bed that you were nightly mixing with orange juice.  You let your youngest child suffer in pain for your high.  What kind of person does that??

I remember you getting arrested several times, though I can't remember them all - guess I've blocked those out.  I remember the one where you got arrested at Winn Dixie on Highway 19 wearing nothing but your bathrobe for forged prescriptions.  I remember running to Hattiesburg one weekend to avoid you being arrested only to have it happen when we got back.  Think that one was for credit card fraud.  I remember the one close after Christmas 1998.  That was when me, Shannon, and Jennifer loaded up all of our Christmas presents and took them back because they were bought with bad checks.  I remember you calling collect, making us cry, making us feel guilty that you were in jail and somehow as teenagers and young adults we were supposed to have the money to come get you out.  I remember visiting you in jail, both through the glass and outside visits.  I remember you being selfishly mad at Jennifer because she was against her 2-year old son visiting you in jail. 

I remember when Jennifer lost McKenzie and you had the nerve to come up there & had to be handcuffed to her bed with a guard outside.  Do you REALLY think that was what was best for her?  Do you really think that's what she wanted?  Nope, you didn't think, you just knew you'd get attention and get out of the jail for a little while.  Little note, she was MORTIFIED!

Now, I'll give you a little credit, when you got out of Rankin County after  a year, you sobered up.  You had to.  You were on parole, or probation or whatever, and were subject to random drug tests.  You were clean almost TWO YEARS.  So, explain to me why, as soon as that time was up, you went right back to your old habits.  I get addiction.  But you were clean for two years.  Why did you go back?  That was a CHOICE.  You chose that.  And now, you're just as bad as you ever were.  You've lost two jobs in two years because you've chosen to be high and not go to work.  You're not sick.  If you had as many 'headaches' as you say you do, you'd have been diagnosed with multiple brain tumors by now.  If you threw up as much as you claim to, you'd be hospitalized with dehyrdration. 

And you know what kills me?  YOU'RE SMART!  You could do so much, but you don't.  I remember when you were working for Ideal Software and convinced them all that you had spinal cancer.  Of course, they wanted proof for sick leave.  So what'd you do?  You 'invented' a doctor, created letterhead, documentation, everything.  Can you imagine where you'd be if you'd use your smarts to further your career instead of your addiction?

So again, I ask why? Obviously your daughters weren't enough to keep you sober when we were growing up. You now have three grandchildren, you know, the ones you brag about all the time on Facebook for attention?  Zeke knows what's going on, he's been told.  Jennifer won't let you keep either of her children.  Karlee will grow up not knowing you.  How can you live with that? 

Jordan is SEVEN and knows what's going on.  She doesn't want anything to do with you.  She won't hug you, have you noticed?  She doesn't want to stay with you on the weekends...it's not because I'm more fun.  It's because my house is stable.  It's because I'm sober.  At 7, she shouldn't have to tell me that "Granna is always sleeping and acts funny" or that she usually now eats "Hershey kisses and marshmallows for meals at your house."  She shouldn't freak out when I have a headache and take Tylenol because she's scared I'll act like you.  She only wants to be around you when James is home because she knows he'll take care of her, and even that is getting worse.  She doesn't want to have anything to do with you, and you don't care enough to notice.

And please STOP with the attention stuff.  You do not need to be in Louisiana because Joe is in the hospital.  How're you planning on getting there with one vehicle and no gas money?  What're you planning on doing anyway?  You know Jennifer isn't going to let you keep the kids.  It's for attention so you can say "woe is me, look what I'm going through.'  But you're not going through that.  Jennifer doesn't need you.  We're grown, we're independent because we've had to be. 

Yes, Vicki and Michelle know about your habits too.  You think that we're telling them things, but, uh, it's pretty obvious, trust me.  I'm glad I wasn't there Thanksgiving.  I heard it's lovely.  They won't talk to you about it because they don't feel it's their place.  But, they've tried to talk to James.  You've got him fooled into believing you're actually sick.  Good for you.  I tried to warn him before y'all ever got married, but he chose not to listen.

Now, fast forward to today.  You're 54 years old.  You're in another rental house, no job.  You had to turn in one of your vehicles.  Apparently your gas has been turned off, your power is next. No stove (though I'm not sure why you don't just call your landlord about that).  BUT, you apparently have internet back since you've been on Facebook all last night and today; and you still have cable. Priorities, I understand.  You do realize at this point that it's time to swallow your pride and go work at McDonalds or something, right?  No one is too good for that.  In fact, I'd respect you more because at least you'd have a freaking job!  You do not get to guilt your children or your siblings because we won't help you pay your bills.  I no longer feel bad for you.  It's not my fault that I have my life together, and my bills are paid.  I spent my childhood taking care of you.  I'm done now.  It's time for you to be an adult and take responsibility for yourself now.  I'm not holding my breath.

No, this post was not to hurt you.  In fact, it was to help me.  There's things here that I need to say to you personally, but I probably won't.  Because, regardless of what people think about me, I have a huge heart and don't like to hurt people's feelings. 

American Heritage Dictionary defines 'mother' as: A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.  In that sense, I don't suppose anyone couldn't call you a mother.  However, it goes on to state that Mother can often apply to a woman other than the biological parent, especially if she fulfills the main social role in raising the child.   That role of your other two children was filled by me.  You're welcome.

Sincerely,
Your oldest child


****This post was NOT written for anyone to feel sorry for me.  Because of the way I grew up, I became a strong, fiercely independent, opinionate woman, and I LOVE who I am today.  This was just stuff that I had to get off my chest...****