Life just isn't fair sometimes...

Infertility - primarily refers to the biological inability of a person to contribute to conception.

Even the definition is cruel.  But to be going through this is one of the cruelest things I've ever had to deal with.  Robbie and I have been trying on and off for 3 years to have a child.  We got really serious about it last year.  We've done Clomid, didn't work.  So, we were referred to an infertility specialist.  We've both had all our internal plumbing checked, and we're both fine.  We were put into a catergory called "unexplained infertility" which is basically saying, "Hey, everything is supposed to work, but it ain't working right."  Fun, huh?

We've done three IUI procedures, and none of them have worked.  They recommend 4, but we've decided that we're taking a break. This is ALL that I seem to have been focused on for the past year.  What does my body feel like today, did I take all the meds, does that look like one line or two?  And then, when I start, it's HORRIBLE!  At first I didn't think it'd hit me so hard, but on that day every month, after wishing, hoping, praying, wanting, the utter disappointment is almost too much to handle.  I cry at the drop of a hat, all day, every day.

And this stuff ain't cheap!  It's not covered by insurance AT ALL, and there is no "Bill me later" option.  You pay the minute you're done.  So, that's been taxing on us as well...

It almost at times feels like I'm a failure as a female and a wife.  I mean, all the anatomy that I have is designed for me to conceive and carry a child, that's down to the bare basics.  But I can't seem to.  It's not fair really.  I know SO many people who don't deserve the kids they have (some with several different baby daddies), and all I want is one.

And, selfishly I don't want to adopt.  I want to be able to have a child with my husband, and, if I can't, I don't want one.  That sounds horrible, but that's the way I feel.

So, we're stepping back.  Giving us a little "us" time and then we'll regroup.  I hope that's the right thing to do, but I honestly don't know how many more of "those" days every month I can stand...

Enough of my whining for one day.  Just had to get that all out...And, if you're reading, don't say anything to Robbie about it.  He hates when I put our personal stuff out there, but sometimes I just need to get it all out.