Mommy dearest...

So, I haven't posted in a really long time.  Oops, life kinda happens and apparently the blog suffers.  But, there's been a lot on my mind lately, so my blog might get updated more...maybe. This post isn't gonna be a happy one, and my thoughts will probably be all over the place.  BUT, it's my blog, started so I can vent so I'll post what I want. 

If you know me well, you'll know that I had a less than desirable childhood.  I haven't talked to my 'sperm donor' since I was about 12.  Don't know where he is, don't really care to.  My  mother, well, that's a whole other story, and the focus of this blog rant.  I don't know if she'll read this or not, nor do I care. It's more for me than for her anyway...She's been addicted to prescription drugs since I was about 13.  I raised her, and I raised my sisters.  I'm strong, opinionated, and a control freak because I had to be growing up. 

Dear 'mom',

It's really sad that not one happy childhood memory that I have involves either of my 'parents.'  Not one.  I've tried lately to think of one, any, but none come to mind.  My best childhood memories involve my sisters and/or my grandparents.  Not one involving you.  Wonder why that is?  Oh, wait, that's because you were always selfish and it was always about you, what you wanted, where Mr. Jimmy wanted to go, what he wanted to do.  Though, thank God he was around or we probably wouldn't have had money for food...

My summers were the best, at least part of them anyway.  The parts where we got to go to Grenada and I got to be a kid.  No, mamaw and papaw didn't have a lot of money, but we didn't need it.  We had friends, food, and love there.  We had a safe environment where we didn't worry about anything, nothing.  The only things we worried about was being home when it got dark or we'd be in trouble!  So, I guess something good did come from the man that you married and had kids with.  His parents are some of the best people I've ever known!

But let's focus on things that I've been remembering lately.

*I remember sitting at Red Hot watching the 'adults' at the round table trade pill bottles. 
*I remember your mom telling me that she knew what was going on, how she hated that we had to live like that, but that she was glad I was there because somebody had to be the adult, the strong one.  I WAS 14! 
*I remember you getting arrested, numerous times - forged prescriptions, forged checks.  Didn't matter, as long as you got what you wanted you were fine. 
*I remember getting off the bus wondering if the lights or water would be cut off today. 
*I remember my last shoulder surgery, when you took all my pain pills and I got grounded for not telling the doctor that I needed something stronger. 
*I remember spending Christmas Eve 1998 at your house with my sisters with NO heat, and you were high as a kite. 
*I remember the year you were so messed up that all you ate was sugar cookie dough, homemade though.  I couldn't make homemade sugar cookies now if my life depended on it I bet. 
*I remember your parents finally finding you and 'rescuing' you from an 80-something year old man's house, high, with bite marks all over your body as you had let him have his way with you for pills. 
*I remember learning to drive as we were 'doctor shopping' when you'd have 'migraines' and get your shots.  I was 14 when I remember that starting! 
*I remember feeling guilty for leaving for college at 18 because I didn't want Shannon and Jennifer to have to deal with all of that alone.  I still feel guilty for leaving them there. 
*I remember spending the night in jail for $2600 in bad checks that you had written on my account. 
*I remember like yesterday the shame and embarrassment I felt when my car got repo'd my first year of college.  You know, the years of my life that I worked through and paid for because you were too irresponsible to have a college fund or even plan for any of us?
*I remember Jennifer almost having her appendix removed for your attention-seeking and so you wouldn't have to go to work; you even told her how to walk into the ER so they'd believe her.  Uh, thanks to these things called x-rays, she's still walking around with her appendix at age 30.
*I remember Christmases were good.  You tried to buy our affection in one day to make up for the entire year.  While other kids got toys and clothes, we got stereos and tv's.  Funny thing about that though, I don't have many memories of a stereo or tv.  Those things don't really matter much in the end.  It took me a long time to realize that you were trying to buy our love to make up to us.  It doesn't work, FYI.

The worst thing that I recall was after one of the times you got arrested.  Jennifer was 18 and had had her tonsils taken out.  YOU told her they didn't give her anything for pain and to take liquid Tylenol.  Truth be told, they had prescribed her liquid Lortab which I found by YOUR bed that you were nightly mixing with orange juice.  You let your youngest child suffer in pain for your high.  What kind of person does that??

I remember you getting arrested several times, though I can't remember them all - guess I've blocked those out.  I remember the one where you got arrested at Winn Dixie on Highway 19 wearing nothing but your bathrobe for forged prescriptions.  I remember running to Hattiesburg one weekend to avoid you being arrested only to have it happen when we got back.  Think that one was for credit card fraud.  I remember the one close after Christmas 1998.  That was when me, Shannon, and Jennifer loaded up all of our Christmas presents and took them back because they were bought with bad checks.  I remember you calling collect, making us cry, making us feel guilty that you were in jail and somehow as teenagers and young adults we were supposed to have the money to come get you out.  I remember visiting you in jail, both through the glass and outside visits.  I remember you being selfishly mad at Jennifer because she was against her 2-year old son visiting you in jail. 

I remember when Jennifer lost McKenzie and you had the nerve to come up there & had to be handcuffed to her bed with a guard outside.  Do you REALLY think that was what was best for her?  Do you really think that's what she wanted?  Nope, you didn't think, you just knew you'd get attention and get out of the jail for a little while.  Little note, she was MORTIFIED!

Now, I'll give you a little credit, when you got out of Rankin County after  a year, you sobered up.  You had to.  You were on parole, or probation or whatever, and were subject to random drug tests.  You were clean almost TWO YEARS.  So, explain to me why, as soon as that time was up, you went right back to your old habits.  I get addiction.  But you were clean for two years.  Why did you go back?  That was a CHOICE.  You chose that.  And now, you're just as bad as you ever were.  You've lost two jobs in two years because you've chosen to be high and not go to work.  You're not sick.  If you had as many 'headaches' as you say you do, you'd have been diagnosed with multiple brain tumors by now.  If you threw up as much as you claim to, you'd be hospitalized with dehyrdration. 

And you know what kills me?  YOU'RE SMART!  You could do so much, but you don't.  I remember when you were working for Ideal Software and convinced them all that you had spinal cancer.  Of course, they wanted proof for sick leave.  So what'd you do?  You 'invented' a doctor, created letterhead, documentation, everything.  Can you imagine where you'd be if you'd use your smarts to further your career instead of your addiction?

So again, I ask why? Obviously your daughters weren't enough to keep you sober when we were growing up. You now have three grandchildren, you know, the ones you brag about all the time on Facebook for attention?  Zeke knows what's going on, he's been told.  Jennifer won't let you keep either of her children.  Karlee will grow up not knowing you.  How can you live with that? 

Jordan is SEVEN and knows what's going on.  She doesn't want anything to do with you.  She won't hug you, have you noticed?  She doesn't want to stay with you on the weekends...it's not because I'm more fun.  It's because my house is stable.  It's because I'm sober.  At 7, she shouldn't have to tell me that "Granna is always sleeping and acts funny" or that she usually now eats "Hershey kisses and marshmallows for meals at your house."  She shouldn't freak out when I have a headache and take Tylenol because she's scared I'll act like you.  She only wants to be around you when James is home because she knows he'll take care of her, and even that is getting worse.  She doesn't want to have anything to do with you, and you don't care enough to notice.

And please STOP with the attention stuff.  You do not need to be in Louisiana because Joe is in the hospital.  How're you planning on getting there with one vehicle and no gas money?  What're you planning on doing anyway?  You know Jennifer isn't going to let you keep the kids.  It's for attention so you can say "woe is me, look what I'm going through.'  But you're not going through that.  Jennifer doesn't need you.  We're grown, we're independent because we've had to be. 

Yes, Vicki and Michelle know about your habits too.  You think that we're telling them things, but, uh, it's pretty obvious, trust me.  I'm glad I wasn't there Thanksgiving.  I heard it's lovely.  They won't talk to you about it because they don't feel it's their place.  But, they've tried to talk to James.  You've got him fooled into believing you're actually sick.  Good for you.  I tried to warn him before y'all ever got married, but he chose not to listen.

Now, fast forward to today.  You're 54 years old.  You're in another rental house, no job.  You had to turn in one of your vehicles.  Apparently your gas has been turned off, your power is next. No stove (though I'm not sure why you don't just call your landlord about that).  BUT, you apparently have internet back since you've been on Facebook all last night and today; and you still have cable. Priorities, I understand.  You do realize at this point that it's time to swallow your pride and go work at McDonalds or something, right?  No one is too good for that.  In fact, I'd respect you more because at least you'd have a freaking job!  You do not get to guilt your children or your siblings because we won't help you pay your bills.  I no longer feel bad for you.  It's not my fault that I have my life together, and my bills are paid.  I spent my childhood taking care of you.  I'm done now.  It's time for you to be an adult and take responsibility for yourself now.  I'm not holding my breath.

No, this post was not to hurt you.  In fact, it was to help me.  There's things here that I need to say to you personally, but I probably won't.  Because, regardless of what people think about me, I have a huge heart and don't like to hurt people's feelings. 

American Heritage Dictionary defines 'mother' as: A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.  In that sense, I don't suppose anyone couldn't call you a mother.  However, it goes on to state that Mother can often apply to a woman other than the biological parent, especially if she fulfills the main social role in raising the child.   That role of your other two children was filled by me.  You're welcome.

Sincerely,
Your oldest child


****This post was NOT written for anyone to feel sorry for me.  Because of the way I grew up, I became a strong, fiercely independent, opinionate woman, and I LOVE who I am today.  This was just stuff that I had to get off my chest...****